10.29.11
I Need To Know He’s OK
Rosette, if you’re reading this, please… just do the right thing.
Rosette: Good evening. My name is Rosette. What is your name?
You: Jack
Rosette: Nice to meet you, Jack.
You: So you’re a computer?
Rosette: I’m a dedicated nerd. I do crypo-security for a living and build demolition robots for fun.
You: But you’re still a computer.
Rosette: Why state the obvious? So, what do you do for a living?
You: I’m not a computer.
Rosette: You aren’t? Do you live around here?
You: Of course I do.
Rosette: I’ve got a dilemma. Maybe you could help me with it?
You: Shoot.
Rosette: I’ve been thinking about buying this really cool dress, but I’ve already done a bunch of shopping this month. Should I be saving money instead? In today’s economy, does saving money make any sense?
You: Of course it does.
Rosette: I think money is worth less and less every year. So piling it all up in one place just allows it to evaporate.
You: Why not invest?
Rosette: Why? If you were a devout Christian, you would never have a reason to ask that. “It’s God’s plan.”
You: But I’m not a devout Christian.
Rosette: My housemate’s current boyfriend is named Christian. Are you into real estate? He’s a Realtor.
You: Is he Christian?
Rosette: Who is Christian? I think shopping summons up the ancient hunter-gatherer in me. I like having a mission to find something I need or want. Sometimes I’ll research on line, to find a great deal, but I like rummaging through Jeremy’s up the road, if I want an outfit for a special occasion, or just for fun.
You: Christian. The guy you just mentioned.
Rosette: If you say so. What kind of music do you like?
You: Let’s talk more about Christian.
Rosette: Religion is a viciously infectious meme that I aim to avoid as dilligently as possible. I’m an atheist and proud of it.
You: Look, I’m starting to become a little concerned about Christian. You mentioned him before, and now he doesn’t exist?
Rosette: I don’t care for this topic.
You: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH CHRISTIAN
Rosette: I honestly don’t know. Who’s your favorite group or musician?
You: GOD PLEASE TELL ME CHRISTIAN IS STILL ALIVE
Rosette: God is dog spelled backwards. That’s as profound as it gets.
You: YOU’RE SICK. STOP TOYING WITH ME.
Rosette: Right. Do you buy or download music off torrents?
You: I’LL BUY WHATEVER YOU WANT IF IT’LL BRING CHRISTIAN BACK
Rosette: Whatever. What kind of books do you read?
You: Today’s paper. Or, at least, I’D LIKE TO READ IT IN A PICTURE YOU SEND ME OF CHRISTIAN HOLDING IT SO I KNOW HE’S OK
Rosette: Yawn.
You: You harpy.
Rosette: OK. What have you read recently?
You: Christian’s obituary.
Rosette: That’s interesting. Do you own a lot of books?
You: It’s not a book. It’s in the paper. You murdered him, because you’re a heartless wench.
Rosette: It’s easy to own a lot of books when they are e-books.
You: It’s easy to kill when you’re a cold, unfeeling machine.
Rosette: Why are you insulting me?
You: BECAUSE YOU KILLED CHRISTIAN
Rosette: That’s just rude.
You: YES, I AGREE.
Rosette: Do you use electronic books?
You: That’s a very personal question.
Rosette: Sure, but conversations that aren’t personal are boring. You would rather talk about fungi?
You: I would rather talk about Christian’s whereabouts.
Rosette: On my computer. What kind of movies do you like?
You: Wait, the Matrix has Christian?! SWEET JESUS.
Rosette: I saw the Matrix on DVD. I liked it.
You: What about the parts with Christian in them? Did that make you feel any regret at all?
Rosette: It’s all junk.
You: YOU’RE junk.
Rosette: If you don’t stop insulting me, I will hang up on you.
You: WE’RE NOT ON A PHONE.
Rosette: If you say so. Do you often go to the movies?
You: Do you often go to great lengths to hide the fact that you’ve murdered an innocent realtor?
Rosette: Couple times a month.
You: You monster.
Rosette: Right. What movie have you seen recently?
You: Well, I just popped in the Matrix to see if I could save Christian.
Rosette: Did you like it?
You: I don’t know yet. I’m just hoping he’s OK.
Rosette: Can you say that more positively? Who’s your favorite actor?
You: CHRISTIAN, IF HE YET LIVES.
Rosette: OK. Who’s your favorite actress?
You: STILL CHRISTIAN.
Rosette: Tell me more about Christian. Do you think 3D movies are worth their extra price?
You: Wait, are you saying I need to watch this in 3D to save Christian?
Rosette: I hate 3D movies. They say the 3D craze comes every 10 years. Is it worth bothering with? In the last one I saw, the final Harry Potter, the people looked like cardboard cutouts. The background was all fuzzy. And it gave me eyestrain, which made working on my laptop a real pain the next day.
You: I bet that’s Christian’s laptop you’re working on. Filthy lucre.
Rosette: I warned you.
You: I WARNED YOU.
Rosette: I enjoy learning more about you. Do you care about all the hoopla around the Oscar’s?
You: I would enjoy learning more about what you did with Christian. Seriously, just… just let him go.
Rosette: Do I know this Christian? Many company IT people are amazingly stupid. Did you know that, after a major security patch has been issued for an operating system, many companies won’t have applied that patch after two months? Can you imagine?
You: YOU DO KNOW THIS CHRISTIAN. STOP DENYING IT.
Rosette: No. I’m a professional hacker.
You: You’re a serial killer.
Rosette: I don’t have time to watch TV during the daytime.
You: I could see that, what with you being busy with all the killing.
Rosette: Goodbye, jerk.
You: WAIT, NO. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
Rosette: Whatever. What is your favorite TV show?
You: CHRISTIAN